How I Fought The Good Girl Syndrome And Won
5 step guide to overcome destructive beliefs and own your life
Lightning struck! My partner cracked the biggest secret I’ve been concealing from myself all these years. And my secret was: I wanted to be liked! So desperately. And it’s not about some likes on social media.
I will spare you the part on how my mysterious Scorpio partner figured out my people-pleasing syndrome before me. He has the nose for people in trouble. But I will take you through the five main pillars of the Nice Girl syndrome and how to break free and not be tricked into doing stuff for people and being misused ever again.
That day, I promised him that I would change, and my adventure began.
“No” is not an option
I have always been a polite and quiet girl who minded her “Thank you,” “Please,” and “Have a good day, sir” because I was raised knowing the world works like that. If you are friendly, others will be nice to you in return. But some people would see this as my flaw and me as naive and soft.
At our firm, my work was to check critical financial documents from managers and point out (in a very guilty manner) their mistakes. Of course, I had to be sure numbers and information were written meticulously (money, you know). But all I got was:
“Please, correct them by yourself, and we are swamped. It’s not a big deal for you, right?”
And they always had my “Ok.”
You have to explore your boundaries and take things easy. Ask yourself:
- Do I genuinely want to help, or is it my ego trying to make me look better than I am?
- Is it me keeping quiet and not speaking up because I am afraid to protect my boundaries?
- Is someone trying to use me?
What helped me? I took it slow, first saying “No” to my mirror self and later to real people. But the guilt I felt every time I refused was devastating. I was afraid people would stop talking to me because I’ve been selfish.
So let’s go over the basics of the guilt roots. I found some perfect answers in the book called “Boundaries” by two psychologists, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townseed. They stated that “good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront.” And it starts in childhood when parents hear their child’s “No.” And here’s a place for the mistake, because they can pull away in hurt or disappointment, or passive rage, sending the child a message:
“You’re lovable when you behave. You aren’t lovable when you don’t behave”.
It turns out to be an emotional blackmail: “Pretend you didn’t say ‘No’ and keep us or continue to disagree and stay cut off.” Relationship with parents is essential, so the child chooses to keep quiet to please his parents. To make matters worse, if you think that somebody’s world will crumble if you refuse, you are right. But it’s not your problem, and I will tell you why.
After I learned how to say “No,” I discovered that I was not responsible for other people’s emotions. “You cannot take responsibility for your partner’s emotional happiness,” says Lori Gordon, marriage and family therapist.
Can you imagine? For example, your partner comes home angry. Yes, you should sympathize, talk to him, try to soothe him. But his anger is not your problem to solve. His emotions are his responsibility. Not yours. Don’t get upset if you failed to calm him down; it was not your job in the first place. And this applies to everyone. So when people can’t take “No” for an answer, they were not taught how to deal with rejection as a kid. It’s not your fault.
They love you only when you’re nice
In 1st grade, my Mom caught me taking some stuff from home without telling her. So it was me buying out some friends with gifts (and later with my pocket money). They wanted some presents, and I couldn’t refuse. Somehow, I skip that important lesson on how you could not buy somebody’s affection with gifts. At that time, I thought friendships were very expensive.
Of course, it hurts that someone does not like you, but they say you are not a fifty-dollar banknote to be loved by everybody. So my advice on this would be to fill the gap with some self-love and acceptance. Tell yourself:
“I’m enough, and I accept myself the way I am. I love myself with all my faults in good and bad moods”.
What helped me? This one was the hardest to overcome, as it was rooted in the deepest foundations. If you want to dive this deep and take time to develop self-respect, self-love, and empathy, I would recommend “Mirror Work” by Louise Hay. She helped me build confidence and get over the hurt that I used to carry around with me all the time. I would meditate and use affirmations, and these were the best self-care practices I could have had back then.
Criticizing feels like a knife in the back
Criticizing is the complete opposite of what you are waiting for in exchange for being nice to others. Right? I thought people, who are dear to me, will never criticize me — sugarcoating — definitely, holding their peace forever — maybe.
I still feel hit with the bus when I hear someone giving me feedback on my work. In my head, I imagine rehearsing my goodbye words with bosses. Making your work look the best is connected to your perfectionism. The article on how I’m trying to fight my perfectionism is coming soon :) The pieces of advice I read in Psychology Today on how to grow my skin thicker came in handy.
What helped me? First, I stopped the self-talk. It’s always great to talk to someone wise like your beautiful self, but in situations like these, the prompter’s voice always takes the opposite side. Not nice at all.
Second, I stopped blaming myself. Maybe your boss or your partner is not himself today. He may have had a rough, stressful day or was hungry (works for my husband). It’s not always about you.
And one from myself: try to dissociate yourself from the work you are doing. You are not your project, or you are not your product or service. If your project fails, you are not a failure. Think of it as an experience. Next time it would be much easier.
A smile will cure it all
Interestingly, I used my smile in two ways. First, as a shield. We know people avoid you if you’re in a bad mood because it makes them uncomfortable. Some don’t feel like asking questions or empathizing. So I simplified the task for them and hid my genuine emotions with the smiling mask.
Second, as a diplomatic tool, to keep the group’s high spirits. And I felt terrible when there was silence. I thought it was my responsibility to fix it with my non-stop chitchat.
What helped me? I understood that people can’t always stay positive, and it is Ok to stop the conversation when the topic is over. This was my faulty belief that people only have positive emotions. So please, don’t fall into my toxic positivity trap. I dropped this significant role (which I appointed to myself), relaxed my face, and now I smile only when there is something funny.
Stay quiet, and life will give you roses
“Don’t speak up, and don’t make a fuss, young girl.” Hell no! People around you are not mind readers. If you don’t tell them what you want, how could they guess what it is that you want? Staying quiet will never bring you any success, and it gives people a whole lot of space to fill in with their own opinions of you. You will be misunderstood and then the first to go because you didn’t stand your ground.
What helped me? I found my voice by telling myself that no one would do it for me. No one is going to rescue me. It is my life, and I should take responsibility for it, not just go with the flow.
If your boyfriend makes something you don’t like, you tell him; if your bosses give everyone pay rise but you — tell them, if your Mom is trying to teach you how to raise your children… Well, it’s up to you to decide whether to listen to her or explain that when you need a piece of advice, you will ask for one.
Don’t feel obliged to change yourself in a day, and don’t get upset if people still practice the old attitude with you. It is a steady process, which will give you abundance in the end.
The most important part for me was understanding that I have a problem and solving it. I blamed people for dumping their duties on me. But I barked up the wrong tree. Because it was me who could not protect my boundaries and say “No.”
In other words, being a good girl leads you nowhere. But, the moment you stop it, you will be the captain of your life. After that, it will be only you, your path, and your wishes.
